I never want to be the girlfriend that makes her man change his plans because of her but I am starting to feel like I am one of those. I honestly don’t want him to change his plans because of me. If he has plans, keep them. Especially if they are with family. It makes me feel really bad when I ruin a plan and I feel that I am being selfish. I told him, I don’t want his family to feel like they need to change plans with him because of me. I don’t like it. Keep the plans. Who cares if I’m around all the time. Sometimes I like to come over here because I feel I have a safe place to think. A safe place to disconnect. A safe place where I don’t have to think about responsibilities. A place where I can sit in my own little world and think. A place where I can do my homework, free of distractions. At home I have to deal with everything, with problems, with distractions, with life. A lot of times I think it’s time for me to move out and find my own place. The thing that keeps me at home is my dad. I would have probably left a long time ago if it wasn’t for him. I tasted that freedom when I was in Jersey. It was magical. I could what I want whenever I wanted and I had no one to answer to. I definitely miss that freedom. Maybe someday soon I will leave home. Not on bad terms of course, on good terms. It will finally be that time for me to leave. To say goodbye to my old life and to start a new one.
My power song right now is this one: All Night Longer Remix by Sammy
I don’t know why but the beat of this song really gets me going. It gives me that boost of energy during my running slump. I love finding songs that really pump you up to keep going because sometimes when you’re running a long distance you need to forget that you’re running and just keep going.
Wow these past few days have been filled with ups and downs. The ups: Lalo and I beasted a 5.6 mile run Wednesday and had a killer workout today. I also had an amazing facial today that really relaxed me. I seriously needed it from the week I’ve been having. Now for the downs: On Tuesday night I had to deal with crazy ex drama. Psycho keeps calling me and saying bad things to me. It was the final straw. I decided that I needed to deal with it now so that I could rest. I was so angry that I was shaking. I went to the police station and made a police report. The relief that I felt after I did that was indescribable. Now I just have to complete all of the paperwork to file a restraining order so I don’t have to hear from her ever again. Another down: Amanda’s last day was on Friday. It is very bittersweet. I’m glad she got the fuck out of Dodge and doesn’t have to deal with the bs. I’m really going to miss her being in the office. The office will never be the same. I started applying to other departments and I hope that I get called by at least one of them. I need to get the fuck out before shit hits the fan.
Today was the first day back at work. It was alright but it hit me that Amanda’s days are numbered. I’m going to miss seeing her every morning. That’s the sucky part. When I got home from work I decided to run my little heart out for 3 miles and I did it. There’s only 12 more days left until the Star Wars 10K. I hope I can do it. I’m also only halfway on my goal of raising $750. I hope that I can raise all the funds for this worthy cause.
2015 has really been an interesting year so far. This morning, before 3am, I heard sirens and a crash. Apparently there was a car chase that ended with my neighbors car getting crashed into. I’m so glad that it wasn’t my car. There was so much commotion that I couldn’t fall back asleep until 5am. Not much else happened today. I was lazy most of the day and totally loved it. It sucks that this was my last vacation day. Can I survive until the next one?
Today has been an interesting day. I was a witness to a final sale of a business this morning and then we went to hang out with my siblings to exchange our Christmas presents and to watch football. It was a fun time. I definitely love hanging out with my siblings even though we all have busy lives. We don’t get to do it as often as we would like. 2015 so far has been a fun. Gerardo and I already talked about our next trip, we talked about many things, and we vowed that this year we are going to exercise to be healthier. Last year I lost a total of 29 lbs. This year I want to work more on my abs and to just be healthier, hopefully losing more weight in the process. I want to be stronger.
One of my resolutions this year is to blog more. I need to express what I am feeling and what better way than in blog form? Even if no one is reading, at least my thoughts and feelings are out there. I have nothing to hide. I think it’s therapeutic to write things down and that way they’re not stewing in my head. So on to my anniversary. My anniversary was yesterday. I can’t believe it’s been 1 year since Gerardo asked me to be his girlfriend. Wow! One year. This is the longest relationship I’ve had. I am more in love with him every day. He makes me happy and I don’t want that to end. I love hearing from his friends that this is the happiest he’s ever been.
Today we did some firsts together. We took Princess out to Venice Beach, her first trip there. She had loads of fun. She was so happy to be with Gerardo and I. While at Venice, I decided to get a piercing. I didn’t think I was going to go through with it but I did. I got my belly button pierced. Oh my god! Next up is a tattoo. We are planning on getting it done together. My paw prints and his 26.2 x 3. I am nervous of how it will feel but excited to see the end results.
Wow, how a year has flown by. This past year I had many great experiences and some not so great experiences. I wanted to blog more but every time I thought about something to write it just did not happen. Let’s start from the beginning. January 1, 2014 brought many good things. I started the new year with a boyfriend. I never thought that I would find love at that time but it did happen. His exact words were that he wanted our anniversary to fall on the 3rd but he couldn’t wait. Who knew that this impatience would be a part of our relationship. I know the word sounds like a bad thing but it’s not. We both can’t wait to share good news with each other and we both can’t wait to give each other presents. It’s the cutest thing. He’s the first person I text in the morning, and he’s the last person I think about and hear from at night. The strong attraction to each other only keeps growing throughout the months. On my birthday he treated me like a queen, taking me out to dinner, giving me the most beautiful necklace, and sending me my first bouquet of birthday flowers. He made me feel so special. I had never had that kind of experience on my birthday and I definitely loved it.
In February I finally got the ok to start walking again. It was such a hard thing to do. I had to learn how to step again. But I did it. Our first Valentine’s Day together, we went to Santa Barbara. It was amazing to have a valentine for the first time. I can honestly say that he is my first and hopefully my only valentine for years to come. On his birthday, I saw him complete a marathon. I didn’t want him to give up at the end and he didn’t. He made it. Cassidy and I were waiting for him at the finish line and saw him accomplish his goal of running his third marathon. It was extra special because he ran it in memory of Jada, his beloved dog that had died years prior on his birthday. He loved that dog so much and only has good things to say about her. I wish she was alive so I could have met her.
To celebrate his birthday, I surprised him with his friends in Big Bear. He never saw it coming. It was such a fun time and it solidified my relationship with not only my bf, but I got to make some new friends. I definitely get along with his group of friends and I find it so great. In May, we were waiting at the hospital for Penelope to arrive. I got to experience that excitement. The excitement of someone bringing a new baby into the world. It was such a surreal experience.
In July, I experienced the worst feeling in the world, having idiots get rid of my favorite supervisor. I still talk to her and come to her with advice for things. She was the best ever and I hate that stupid politics had to come into play.
In August, we got to see one of my best friends and partner in crime get married to the man she loves. It was amazing. I got to see what real true love looks like.
The rest of the months were a blur. Between dealing with the constant struggle of power at work, being belittled and yelled at, going to therapy for the drama, crying my eyes out because of frustration with a situation, I was completely miserable at work and ready for my vacation. I needed to get away. Also, dealing with my sister and her loss was very tough on me. I can’t even imagine how tough it’s been on her. One good thing that did happen during this time was getting my CCRC certification.
December brought some good and bad experiences. The good experiences were getting out of my comfort zone and trying things that I never thought I would. I zip lined and snorkeled. That was huge. I never thought that I would do those things. I hung out with a great group of girls. Now for the bad. The bad experiences were fighting with Gerardo and not remembering what was said. The bad was that feeling like he was mad at me. The feeling that he was hiding something from me. I did not like those feelings at all. A lot of it was in my head but I will never forget the words he uttered “I will always be a bachelor”. It made me feel horrible that he thought that way. If he really felt that he was going to end up alone then why were we in a relationship? Maybe I wasn’t trying hard enough in our relationship. Afterwards we talked it out and I realized what I had been doing. I had kept things bottled up and wouldn’t express my feelings for fear of hurting him. This actually made everything worse. After our talk, now I feel comfortable enough to talk to him. To ask him questions about anything. To express what I am feeling. I think we needed this to realize that in order to make this relationship work, I needed to say what was wrong. He’s not a mind reader. I know I’m a stubborn person and get very upset when things don’t go my way. Another bad. I got a call from his ex saying that he was cheating on me. I of course had her on speaker and he heard everything she had to say. She claimed that she was seeing him and knew about me but was still sleeping with him. She knew a lot of info about me and private info about a friend. He couldn’t figure out who it was so he had me meet with her and talk. I played the best part of my life. I met with her and she showed me a picture of inside his apartment. My heart sunk. How could she get this picture? At this point, I didn’t know what to believe. As she kept talking, I realized that she was nuts. I spun her a story and told her that we were done. She called me a few days later to “follow up”. She then sends me pictures of emails that my bf supposedly wrote. Some of the details of the emails really got to me. You had to be in Cancun with us to know some of it. It really creeped me out. I know he has nothing to hide from me especially because he was the one who wanted me to meet with her. Who in their right mind would want their girlfriend to meet their mistress? She would just not give it up. The emails she sent me were right before midnight. She really wants to break us up. This experience only solidified our relationship. We are stronger than ever.
Well, that’s 2014 in a nutshell. Crazy how much happens in a year. I hope that 2015 doesn’t bring his crazy ex back.
1. I can only control what is in my reach. Anything beyond my reach is out of control.
2. I need to not take things personally. I internalize too many things.
3. Speak my mind. When I’m mad, I should say that I’m mad. When I’m upset, I need to say that I am upset. When I’m frustrated, I need to say that I am frustrated. When I’m disappointed, I need to say that I’m disappointed. When I’m jealous, I need to say that I am jealous. I can’t keep my emotions to myself.
4. Learn to accept that promises will be broken.
5. Learn that no one is a mind reader.
6. Not hold myself to a higher expectation than everyone else.
So the beginning of this year has been interesting to say the least. 1. The new beau asked me to be his girl… Of course I said yes :). 2. Met up with some cousins and my aunt. It was a blast. We laughed so hard. This year has so far gotten to a great start. I can’t wait to see what the rest of the 364 days will bring.