three am

Category: Uncategorized

  • Repairing

    I’m packing because we’re flying to Mexico tomorrow. I’m torn between minimalism and my old habits (just in case—it’ll definitely come in handy!). Suddenly, Mia’s camera caught my eye. You know, that little camera for toddlers. Mia loves taking pictures, and we already have about 600 in this camera. About 50 of them are different shots of her favorite unicorn, another 37 are feet, shoes, weird frames—you know how it is. But there are also plenty of beautiful and sweet moments. Sometimes she looks through these photos, she loves revisiting memories of a trip or a moment—these are her memories, which she relives over and over again thanks to these photos.

    I noticed that she stopped taking photos some time ago. When I offer her the camera and she seems to want it at first, but then puts it down right away. And somehow I recently realized that this happened around the same time that the “clip” on her strap broke. Unfortunately, it broke in such a way that it can’t be glued back on, and there’s no other way to attach it. Since she can no longer hang it around her neck or keep it with her, it’s harder for her to use it.

    I’m packing and looking at this little camera, and I’m thinking it would be great to bring it along, because she’ll be able to take pictures with her aunt and grandma, and there’s just so much to remember and experience in Mexico! So I’m sitting there with this strap and this camera, trying to figure it out… and seriously, there’s just no way. I’m not very good at thise handy solutions, so the first thing that comes to mind is, maybe buy a new one? It was a pretty cheap toy and it’s no big deal, so should I just do it? But on the other hand, the camera works great, so do I want to contribute to consumerism that’s already spiraled out of control? Maybe I should just let it go and leave it? But that doesn’t solve the problem either. And suddenly, I look around the room and my eyes fall on some yarn. I think to myself, maybe I could make a little macramé-style basket and attach the strap to it? But the camera is so tiny that the yarn might be too fluffy and cover everything, including the screen. I rummage through my arts & crafts bin and find the perfect thread—strong and glittery—that might work! Finally! A thread that’s been sitting in the bin for 10 years has COME IN HANDY! (LOL) I get absorbed in the project because I like this kind of crafting, and I start experimenting—tying tiny knots, twisting, more knots—so it can withstand the number of bumps and challenges that a child’s imagination is sure to throw at it… and there it is! Finally, I attach the leash, and it worked! It’s not a beautiful solution, it’s not perfect, I don’t even know if my boss will approve of it, but it effectively solved my problem. Without unnecessary consumption, without giving up, and on top of that, it gave me a great deal of creative satisfaction.

    And it got me thinking… How rarely do we give ourselves permission and space these days to approach problems creatively? Consumption is right at our fingertips. You can always buy something, get something, or replace it. It’s so easy and relatively cheap that we don’t even think about it. And it’s also the solution closest to “perfection.” Buying a new camera—replace the same thing, in pristine condition. Or hey, maybe there’s already a new, better model out there? Meaning to have something Better! Tempting, isn’t it? Because, after all, it’s better to have something nice, new, intact, and fully functional. Repairing things that are cheap and Made in China sounds pretty… grotesque? Pointless? A waste of time? “I’ll spend more precious time fixing it, and it’ll break anyway…” Others will say—buy better quality! More expensive, “I can’t afford cheap things.” But sometimes you don’t need to buy expensive things at all, especially for kids who’ll just destroy them or lose them anyway, and expensive and “good” things break just as easily.

    Stepping back from this chaos of thoughts to determine what’s “better” and which solution will be the most correct, quickest, most effective, eco-friendly, educational, and so on, I focus on the sheer joy of fixing things… Or even more so on giving myself permission to sit down, get frustrated (it can’t be fixed!), almost throw it all to hell, but eventually find a solution and do it my way. And to actually enjoy it. Without ideology, without the expectation that this is THE best solution, without worrying about what others will think, and without judging the result at all. What I felt was a kind of self-trust. That when I give myself time and space, I’m able to find a solution that fits me, my capabilities, draw from my own resources, and even enjoy the process. Living in a world where we have access to so many perfect (external) solutions, we leave so little room for trusting ourselves—our creativity, intelligence, intuition, and simply having fun. As a result, I feel fun and easiness.

    P.S. My boss approved and packed it!

  • Start over

    There is no better feeling in the world than the act of creation. When time gets suspended and you keep going. When you revise something 120 times to make it the best it can be. When you search for hours for the perfect solution, when your blood is boiling with emotion, fatigue, excitement, terror, and anticipation all at once. That’s how it was with this documentary.

    Since last September, I’ve been attending community college classes on editing and filmmaking. I’ve just finished two semesters and can’t wait for the next ones. There is something about editing that gives me absolute satisfaction and excitement. It’s also a bit like writing scientific articles (which I always struggled with), only different and much better. It’s all about the story. Putting stories together is my absolute favorite thing to do. Searching for creative solutions, erasing, combining, the narration. Then putting it all together. Then music, searching for emotions, how to arrange it all so that it hits you deep. And the possibilities are endless. Turning chaos into a story. It’s something absolutely wonderful, the highest degree of creativity!

    Until now, I’ve only done this at the level of words. When I was doing my PhD and research, I conducted interviews, argued with theories to convey human experiences as part of a larger whole, a larger system. It was always a difficult task, but words guided everything. A documentary is a bit the same, but it’s a completely new form, new tools for telling a story – images and sound!

    It’s like learning a completely new language from scratch. And it’s not just about learning the program, sound editing (which I’m still not very good at), but a new way of storytelling. An image can convey more than words. Heck, you don’t need words at all! What an amazing tool!

    And so I’m starting. Once again, from scratch. A new industry, a new field, a new career, a new life. And I’m writing about it to show that when you’re almost 40, you can still start something completely new and you can even hope and dream that this could be your direction in life. I have always been inspired by people who decide to change everything and follow their passion. And it was precisely such people I was thinking about when I signed up for my first class and decided to make this documentary after only a few months of learning how to edit. I thought about a friend who had been a nurse in a psychiatric hospital for years, then decided to study graphic design, and now creates absolutely beautiful illustrations and is happy with it. Every time I look at them, I am glad she made that decision, because thanks to that, I (and others) can feast my eyes on something precious, and that makes my day. I think of another friend who was a journalist and decided to study psychology and is now a therapist. How much good she will bring to the world! I think of every person who, instead of sticking with something that tires them and gives them no satisfaction, chooses the path of the unknown but creativity. It is a very difficult path.

    Venturing into the unknown. It is a significant risk. It involves loneliness and fear. Only when everything falls into place does society accept your decision. Only when you start to succeed, when you start to earn money, when things start to be stable, others accept your choice. Because when you make a decision, you are alone with your decision, your fear, and your uncertainty. So I take my hat off to all those who decide to make changes, who carry the burden of inevitable failure, hours, weeks, years of learning from scratch, sleepless nights, driven by the dream of fulfillment and living for themselves and on their own terms.

    There is no more beautiful state than doing something for yourself, listening to your own body, dreams, emotions, and giving those emotions an outlet.

    My first documentary has at least several hundred mistakes. Every time I watch it, I see something else to correct. I see where I missed something, where there is a typo, where it is too loud, and where the colors are weak. Where it could be shorter, where it didn’t turn out exactly as I wanted it to. But I also cut myself some slack. It’s my first documentary and I’m proud of it. Because every minute I spent on it was full of emotion. I created it from start to finish, as best I could, as I felt it and (almost) as I wanted it. With all the limitations that were around. But I delivered it on time and here it is. And I think that with all its shortcomings, it is beautiful, and that was the point. Because there is no more beautiful state than finding your voice.

  • Ketchup

    Today’s thought was prompted by a lack. Specifically, a lack of ketchup. I have no idea how to spell ketchup in Polish (katchup, keczap?), so I’m writing as it sounds. I’m currently in a huge craving phase for zapiekanka  -Polish cheese bread with mushrooms. For some time now I’ve been trying different breads, cheeses, and methods to make the perfect zapiekanka. Of course, you can’t make one as perfect as the one from Lussi at 3 a.m. near Central Station in Warsaw, but at least you can make one that satisfies your hunger and soothes your nostalgia.

    Today’s zapiekanka was in question because we ran out of ketchup at home. I didn’t have time to go to the store, but I had all the other ingredients, so I started thinking. How can I make ketchup in 5 minutes? Or what can I substitute? I found chipotle-mayo, which probably wouldn’t be the worst idea, but I wasn’t feeling up to experimenting; I wanted something more traditional and soothing. I could also fry and reduce the tomatoes, but it would be a bit crumbly over time, and they would still need to cool, because one of the important features of a zapiekanka is cold ketchup, not hot ketchup. The temperature difference. And finally, I found it! Tomato paste from Trader Joe’s. Organic, not expired (!) Zapiekankas went into the oven, and after taking them out, I spread the paste. I couldn’t create nice ketchup streaks, but after spreading, the flavor was fantastic! I think it was even better than ketchup! More tart, more acidic, amazing!

    And this whole very serious situation made me realize something important in my reflections on artificial intelligence, creativity, and work. LOL, I’m already expanding.

    All artificial intelligence tools give us access to unlimited possibilities. You can create absolutely anything, customize it to your liking, and it will refine every detail to best suit you and your needs. But the problem is that, faced with the promise of creating something new and without any limitations, we panic. We have no point of reference, and the realization that anything is possible is quite paralyzing. It’s not a tool for creativity. It’s torture. It completely kills creativity. What truly gives us a sense of fulfillment and creativity are our limitations. More specifically, when we manage to overcome some limitation and create something despite lacking sufficient resources, knowledge, or tools. It’s the real effort that gives us true satisfaction. Would I be as happy eating a zapiekanka with an unlimited number of ketchups to try? First, I’d have to open them all, try a little of each, compare them, remember which ones were good and which were bad, and in the end, I’d still be dissatisfied because there was probably some other ketchup I didn’t buy that would have been the best. The traps of capitalism and excess. What made my zapiekanka the best was that, out of a lack of (ketchup) and the effort of finding a substitute, I managed to creatively devise a substitute that added something completely new to my experience. It might not have been so surprising, since tomato paste is almost like ketchup, but it’s about the whole experience of solving a problem. It’s not the endless possibilities that bring satisfaction, but the ability to think creatively in the absence of a perfect solution. Limitations are creativity’s best ally. And they allow us to experience that wonderful feeling of satisfaction. That’s why I’m on the team that AI is a bubble that will slowly burst, at least when it comes to creativity.

  • My disappointment

    Today, as I was scrolling instagram I saw an app dedicated to learn new, sophisticated words. It looked so tempting and visually beautiful so I downloaded and installed it. I was imagining how cool is it going to be to see and learn words from my wallpaper screen every day. I went through the installation process. It asked me all the questions about my level of English, my esthetics preferences, my interests, I even chose the voice and accent to read the words to me. I was getting hyped. And finally, in the last step this app shows me an amazing offer of 3 days for free before I pay $50 for it. I didn’t even got mad, but just so sad and disappointed. I felt scammed and fool. I should’ve known, I should’ve thought…

    Then comes the reflection. So there was a need within me for learning more vocabulary. And in our times driven by efficiency, meritocracy and comfort, apps are there for us. They are made to fulfill the needs and profit out of it. And my question is, do they really fulfill our needs? Or are we all pretending they do? As I stayed in that disappointment and let it unravel, I started remembering how I used to print out pages of useful vocabulary for exams, and study word by word. Wordreference and diki.pl were the two tabs that were always open in my browser. I remember how I used to write words on sticky notes, with definition and exemplary phrases and post them all around me, to keep looking at them and repeating them until they became part of my vocabulary. I would push myself to use them in my daily life, always find ways to include them in my writing, because that is the only way to actually learn – with effort, time and dedication. And I remembered how much satisfaction it used to give me. And then what happened? I kinda stopped doing it. I became ok with my level of English. I just didn’t have that need any more. And now the need is back and I thought that an app can fulfill it? I thought all process was going to revive effortlessly on my screen? I hoped for a second. I wouldn’t know because my disappointment came before anything even started. But I assume it wouldn’t have.

    Instead, I decided to fulfill that need in the old school way. I opened wordreference and as I was writing this post and searched for words like unravel and revive and used them in context, I felt a glimpse of satisfaction. My need did feel fulfilled. I didn’t need an app to do it for me. I didn’t need to consume words that appear on my screen and pretend that just by looking at them they would magically become part of me. Instead, I took my disappointment and made it into something I really needed. To be clear, I don’t think apps are complete waste. I guess that if you spend an important amount of time and dedication, they might probably do their work and be a great help. Because that is the trick in the end. Time, effort, intention and dedication. And there is just no other way around it. No shortcut. And because those are limited, we need to rearrange other things in our lives in order to engage with new ones. I like to think about it not as squeezing more into our daily life, but rather to let go of something else. I think that is a lot more realistic way of approaching a change and introducing new habits. As I found and name this new need in me, I will now try to do something about it. It took me more than an hour to write this post. I didn’t plan it, so I had to let go of work I was supposed to do. Which I will need to do anyways, but will have to let go of something else. And this is how it works. And that is the real price. And here is where we can decide what is really meaningful for us, what is worth pursuing, what really leaves us fulfilled. I feel fulfilled with that need I had for today. Disappointment is a great teacher. If we sit with it, break it apart, dig, let it speak and then take an action, make it ours. 

  • Excess

    I have excess everywhere…

    In the fridge, I buy stuff, I don’t have time to eat them all, I throw them away…
    In the closet, I buy stuff, then I clean them out, give them away, make space, and then it fills up again…
    In toys, I don’t even know when I’m buying them, or others are buying them, and suddenly there’s nowhere to put them, I’m constantly going through them, and they just keep growing…

    In my head…this one is the worst because you can’t just choose what’s excessive and throw it away…


    I admit, I have no control over the amount of things around me. Occasionally, I really try to sit down, get my shit together, and organize everything. Throw stuff away, make room for new things, arrange them thematically, color-coded, chronological…and then it’s nice, just for a moment, until another pileup comes…


    The hardest thing to deal with is probably the mental chaos, because it requires a daily discipline, rutine and organization. Because of the life I’ve chosen, a lot of my interaction with the world takes place online. Connecting with family via WhatsApp, friends via Instagram, and getting news about the world through social media. Last year (and this was also my New Year’s challenge) I reduced the number of accounts I followed and switched to other media to gather information about the world – radio and podcasts. I succeeded quite well. However, the very nature of social media means that every time I open it, something always pops up, opening a new tab in my mind, and leaves me awake and alert, often unconsciously. This is one of the greatest challenges of our times. The ability and discipline to mentally organize information so I still have energy for other important things and simply for life. I don’t even know when it happens, but suddenly I have a series of headlines, posts, and opinions in my head that make no sense to me. Maybe for a moment they gave me the feeling that I know what’s going on in the world, even though I don’t really know any of the details. I can’t quite put it all together. Only impulses and emotions surface – „this is good,” this is „not good,” this evokes fear, this gives hope, and that’s it. The sheer number of open pages, unprocessed, without in-depth reflection, rattles around in my head, creating chaos and fueling anxiety. I don’t reflect on these topics when they arise; I just accumulate them, expending a ton of energy on this accumulation, and what I need is some kind of outlet, digestion, and closure.

    A few days ago, I sat at the table with Alina, and we chatted word by word, about work, crises, ideas for the future, films, people… we sat and weaved thread by thread, slowly connecting, word by word. Then I realized that this one spontaneous conversation gave me exactly what I needed, something I forget about on a daily basis. During the slow exchange of thoughts, listening, and responding, the chaos fell into place. I managed to work through the various ideas and threads that had been lingering in my head and had accumulated over the past two weeks. I didn’t even realize how many connections there were—that scene from the movie, that article, that conversation, that song, that quote…it turned out that my attention lingered (even for a microsecond) on similar threads, everything oscillating around a thought that was slowly forming within me. But I couldn’t put it together because I didn’t have the time or space for it. And suddenly, half an hour, maybe a little longer, and one engaged person were enough for the peace and inspiration to emerge from the chaos.


    I know it’s hard to find such places and spaces for quiet reflection, and I also know that it’s absolutely essential for normal functioning and not going crazy.
    I hope for myself and for you that we find the time and kind people around us to help each other sort out this chaos. Systematically wrap up topics, or at least digest them a bit. Because then everything immediately feels lighter and somehow different. Better, calmer, and easier to live with.

  • Wafer

    Wafer

    Christmas has always been an important time of year for me. Especially since I left Poland (14 years ago), Christmas dinner and cooking give me a sense of warmth, closeness, and connection to my identity, which strengthens me every time. Over the years, much of my Polishness has faded away. I had to question, abandon, and change a lot to become who I am now. But Christmas dinner is a must for me. For years, I have been organizing and cooking a Wigilia (Christmas eve dinner) for my friends. Whether it’s a small group and a few dishes or a big feast for 20 people, Wigilia must always happen. This year is no exception.

    Yesterday, we sat down at the table with the first group, and today we have a second one. A double celebration is quite a challenge, but the value it brings to my life is priceless. I managed to get some Christmas wafers at a Polish store, and so for the first time we added the sharing of Christmas wafers to our annual celebration. I was very surprised that such a small thing caused such a stir that evening and left me some deep thoughts.

    At our urging and recommendation, the guests came very hungry. It took some time for everyone to gather and sit down at the table, so hunger was setting in. I thought maybe it would be better to sit down and eat, but I decided that since I already had the wafer, we should try it. I explained what the ritual was about, that everyone breaks the wafer with each other, makes wishes, eats it, etc. A few people didn’t know each other or hadn’t seen each other for a long time, so they received this information with slight anxiety, but also with curiosity. I thought it would be over quickly, but it turned out that the wishes and greetings turned into a moment of extraordinary connection and bonding that surprised everyone. There were many tears, emotions came out, and some wishes turned into extremely deep confessions and reflections. It was so beautiful that I didn’t want it to end. When we sat down to dinner, it was somehow different. Somehow more, stronger, more grateful. After dinner, I heard that it was one of the most beautiful moments of the evening, or at least a very beautiful introduction that set a unique tone. And I was left with the reflection that this is what all these rituals and traditions are about.

    That moment when you stand face to face with someone, symbolically exchange a wafer, and are absolutely focused on that person and what they have to say. And then we change. You look at the person and think about what they mean to you and what you want to say to them from the bottom of your heart. And you have a special, dedicated moment for that. Isn’t that beautiful? In addition, anticipation and hunger pumped it up, we were in a rather sensitive state, no one quite knew what to say or how to do it, so everyone tried hard and gave voice to their true emotions. And it turned out to be intense and beautiful.

    And I thought to myself that these moments are what I like most in life. And that people need to be given time and space to participate in these moments. And that these don’t have to be big things, big life-changing events. They can be small rituals and moments when we are there for ourselves and for others. These moments are what make the whole dinner worthwhile. And I know that it will be remembered somewhere, somewhere in the body, and for many it will be that important and beautiful memory.

    For many Polish people (myself included), sharing the Christmas wafer is not associated with this experience and is often one of the less comfortable moments of Christmas dinner. When you have to listen to and kiss uncles, aunts, and other people who know nothing about you, make generic wishes, and move on… But since I’ve been organizing my own Christmas Eve, which is completely mine, and the people I invite are important to me, the difference is huge. Suddenly, sharing the wafer is something magical that triggers emotions and provides a unique introduction to the rest of the evening. When you are with the people you want to be with, when the week-long cooking marathon, although tiring, is done out of desire rather than necessity, it is an excuse to share with others a part of yourself, your culture, and your identity at its best. When everything makes sense, and even though you know this in theory, you now feel in your whole body why all this is happening, why these rituals exist.

    When you can’t be with your loved ones because they are too far away, you can create a space to revive that closeness. Today, I am grateful for the Christmas wafer, which I hadn’t practiced for a long time, but have now rediscovered. It’s fun to do traditions, take what is good for us and create beautiful moments.

    I wish you good, beautiful moments too.

  • Motivation comes from the body

    Motivation comes from the body

    I love that meme

    Over the past few weeks, I’ve been enjoying coffee less and less. It doesn’t hit like it used to. This is a huge surprise because I love coffee. I drink two cups of coffee a day, quite strong, and I have it ingrained in my mind that this is what gets me through the day. I’ve been ignoring this feeling because, after all, how can you live without coffee? What can replace it? Coffee is a ritual, a pleasure, a moment to look forward to, a kickstart to get you going. What can replace that?

    But I’m also deceiving myself a little, because my memory of coffee and what it always brought me, no longer matches how I feel now. I catch myself not finishing my coffee, forcing myself a little, not feeling blissful and energetic, but increasingly tense and stressed. But the thought of this change is difficult to accept.

    I woke up yesterday at 3 a.m. and thought about habits and motivation to change. I like New Year’s resolutions, I like rituals, and I always get excited that something new is about to begin; but I also don’t like following New Years resolutions like everyone else starting January 1st; so, partly by accident and partly subconsciously, I made a few changes back in November/December. And lying there at 3am, unable to sleep, thinking about how hard it will be to wake up in the morning without coffee, I broke down my recent changes into parts.

    A few weeks ago, I switched from two coffees a day to one. To my surprise, I feel much better, and the coffee ritual has become exciting again thanks to the change, because I drink it at a different time and more out of desire than obligation. This change came to me a few weeks ago during a yoga session. We were doing a series of sun salutations at a fast pace for about 10 minutes, and my beloved instructor summed up the series of movements with the words

    “Now we are here and our body is building our energy – the energy to live. We don’t send this energy anywhere else, we don’t waste it thinking about everything around us, we don’t wander with our thoughts. We are here, we keep it for ourselves, it continues to push everything in us, it is our life energy.”

    And I felt it. I felt with every cell of my body that the life energy is within me and that I am able to release it, ignite it, and, most importantly, keep it within me. And I can always achieve this if I control it and learn not to waste it on things that are not worth it. And so, I woke up the next day, laid out my mat next to the bed, and did one sun salutation, thinking intensely about bringing out that energy. And then another and another. And that morning, I didn’t make myself my morning coffee, and I didn’t suffer.

    The next day, the same thing, and the day after that, and so on. But the most important and interesting thing for me is that this small change cost me absolutely nothing. What’s more, my yoga bar is set incredibly low – one sun salutation, literally 15 seconds. That’s it. It’s a so-called micro habit, and so far it’s working great for me. I don’t have to force myself to do anything, I don’t suffer, and I don’t even ask myself if I feel like it or not. And practically every time I do more than 15 seconds, but knowing that this is the minimum, there are no excuses or even questions about it. And the best thing is that when I do these greetings with full concentration, I actually feel the energy, it is released every time. That’s my motivation. I do it until I feel it and I do as much as I need to.

    And as I was lying there yesterday at 3 a.m. thinking about it, I realized that the thing about motivation and change (at least for me), it all starts with a feeling. First, my body let me know that it needed energy, then that coffee was no longer enough, and then, focusing and finding a solution during a yoga session, I felt that this was exactly what I was looking for and needed. Two years of therapy also gave me the most important tool, which is recognizing feelings and states in the body. Because it is our bodies that are the best and most important reason and motivator for making changes. Does that mean that I will always get up and do yoga every single day? No. Does that mean I will never drink a second cup of coffee?

    Of course I’ll drink it. But I’m looking for something else, and right now it works for me – the energy that flows through me and that I am able to generate. This small discovery gave me a lot of satisfaction and energy, improved my morning, and gave me new pleasure from my one cup of coffee. And it reminded me that there is no greater happiness than listening to yourself and finding solutions that are perfect for you.

    This is a prelude to entering the new year with new motivation.

  • Gift

    Gift

    The time has come. As I browse the internet in search of gifts to make my loved ones happy, I find myself thinking that it used to be so much easier to do gifts. How ironic. Now, when the choice is unlimited and you can buy anything, personalize it, and tailor it to your needs, I find it increasingly more difficult. And for some reason, I seem to be enjoying it less and less. What went wrong?

    First of all, the choice. Obviously, the more choice there is, the greater the pressure. The pressure to find the perfect gift. Surely there is something better, more beautiful, more stylish, at a better price, etc. Hours spent researching only fuel feelings of guilt and the awareness that somewhere, there will always be something better.

    But let’s say I’ve found it. I have a good gift. Now what? Why doesn’t it make me as happy as it used to?

    I can’t help but think that since gift shopping moved online and depends on the number of websites and accounts browsed, we’ve lost something. When I think back to how my friends and I used to give each other gifts, the best part of each gift was the story behind it. How did this gift appear or not appear? At least six people were usually directly (and many more indirectly) involved in coming up with, searching for, and bringing the gift. There was always some kind of mishap, something always went wrong, there was always a story. And if there was a fuckup, and the gift didn’t arrive on time (which was often the case), at least there was a good story to go with it.

    But such a story and all background preparation, can only be possible if things happen here and now. When you go to the store, the store closes in 5 minutes and you can’t buy anything anymore, you beg the salesperson to take your order, you call other stores, you search, you try, as other people recognize your commitment, they also get involved, we turn various systems upside down just to make it happen NOW, because the birthday is in an hour. And so, the gift, or at least the good story is being made, which is basically the ost important part of a gift. Time, commitment, stress, laughter, a whole wave of adrenaline and emotions, and all this for the person who is important to us. As I see it, this is the best gift.

    I think about this because I feel that buying and receiving gifts brings me less and less happiness. Not because they are completely inappropriate, but precisely because they come from clicks, and these take something away from us. What do I value most in gifts? The important and best gifts, the ones I like the most, are those that establish and reinforce something in a relationship at a given moment. They reflect what our relationship is, they reinforce what brings us closer together. It can be laughter, tenderness, intellectual exchange, sports, art, spiritual connection, etc. Whatever it is, it is ours, and the gift strengthens us as in this commitment. That is why I like giving gifts even more than receiving them. Because for me, it is a moment of reflection and truth.

    The moment when I devote my time to someone, and the moment to think about what that person means to me now, and what our relationship is based on? What connects us now and keeps us together? Of course, this is in an ideal world. When you have time and energy for everything, and you can only do things that are important, necessary, and profound. In practice, click, click. But I leave this reflection here to remember what is important to me and why giving gifts used to bring me more joy, and I miss that feeling.

  • A Midsummer Night’s Dream

    A Midsummer Night’s Dream

    It’s 3 a.m. again. I wake up from my dream. It’s one of those dreams that you experience very intensely. It starts like this: I want to apply to film school, somewhere in an important city in the U.S. I arrive alone. I stay in a room with two young girls who are already studying at this university. They are great, fun and creative. We hit it off right away. They tell me that I will definitely get in. I want to apply for editing,

    I’m at the interview now, and turns out that they committee is making me do an acting improvisation. And I’m terribly stressed, because I’m not into acting or improvisation at all. I try something, then something esle, but I know it’s terrible. I’m stiff, stressed, it’s not my thing at all. It’s one of those feelings you get when you’re standing naked in front of an audience. I feel ashamed and humiliated. Nothing works.

    There are two professors at the recruitment, both important and well-known in the film world. They add another person/student to keep me company and play with me. A young guy. He’s great, he’s much better at everything. I try to match him and I’m doing a little better, but I can see and know that he’s better. Finally, we sit down in front of the professors and there’s a conversation.

    One of them suddenly reminds me of my sociology professor from almost 20 years ago – Aleksander Manterys. He was a guru of classical sociological theory. The kind of professor who commanded respect and made everyone tremble during his oral exams. And now I’m sitting in front of him, completely unprepared, and I have to show myself in the best possible light. He asks me about my name.

    Suddenly, everything revolves around my name, which no one can pronounce. There is interest. What am I doing here? Why here? After a while, it somehow turns out that the whole exam is taking place in a park in the open air. A car pulls up and the two girls I stayed with get out. They create a great atmosphere, joking with the professors, who are surprised that we all know each other. Their expressions immediately soften, and the atmosphere becomes friendly. Suddenly, it’s about something else, about relationships, jokes, testing whether we will like each other. And it turns out that we do.

    3:30 a.m. I wake up from my dream. I don’t know how it ended. I don’t know if I got in. But that’s not even the point. I wake up not with fear and shame, but with a completely different feeling. With the feeling that I have a mission and a plan again. That I want to do something again and I can start something completely new. That in order to start something, I don’t need to know everything about it right away, or not even where it will lead me. I’m riding a wave of energy that pulls me into the new and unknown.

    And I wake up with the feeling that I know what my strength in life is. It’s relationships and people. People who carry me, their energy. Relationships are my greatest weapon and strength. I always put them first. Sometimes it works out, sometimes it doesn’t, but I know it’s worth it. Because people give me the strength to act. I wake up and I know that I am this little person in a big country that I don’t quite feel, that is still foreign to me, that still doesn’t want to give me my full wings, that still holds me back from the opportunity to work, that gives and takes away, but which is my home. A country where no one can pronounce my name, but which nevertheless gives me the feeling that I can go further and reach for more.

    I wake up from a dream in which a part of me that has been dormant for a long time suddenly gets wings and eagerly awaits new things. With fear under my arm, but I’m going for it because I’m very curious to see how this wave will unfold.

  • Unspoken words

    Unspoken words

    Three am, or maybe five. Who knows what time it is, anyway? I go to the bathroom and suddenly the silence hits me. Maybe for some people it’s not an obvious silence, because there’s no real silence on a plane, with the noise of the engines, the opening and closing of the hatches, the trolley rolling around, a baby crying. Yes, a baby. Or rather, the lack of one. I can feel with every fiber of my being that there is no baby with me. My body is a little on alert and anxious. Something is missing. One hundred percent of my attention is focused on touch, touch, constant stimulation. And suddenly, in this bathroom, I’m washing my hands and thinking to myself that I’m alone. I’ve said surprisingly few words today. I don’t have to talk. I don’t have to say “sit down,” “don’t touch,” “put your pants on,” “flush the toilet,” “wash your hands,” “yes, you have to wash your hands,” “we’re not leaving if you don’t wash your hands,” “wait,” “don’t open the door, I still have to pee,” “wait,” “stand here,” “don’t touch,” “come on, don’t lick that,” “we’re leaving now”… I would probably say all that in a minute to a tired, irritated 4-year-old who is doing extremely well on a 9-hour plane trip. This time, I’m flying alone. Alone in my business class. No, just kidding, I don’t need business class, because flying across the ocean without a child is a level of luxury that no money, no credit card points can buy.

    Silence. I can hear my own thoughts. It’s not even that no one is talking to me, but that I don’t have to say anything to anyone. What a peace. I start to accumulate words, thoughts. Stockpiling them for later. Is there such a thing as a daily word limit? I’m sure there are people who are limitless, but I’m not one of them. After a certain number of words, I simply don’t have any more left in me. I don’t like talking for the sake of talking. I’m not good at small talk and other pleasantries. And even if I were, I wouldn’t like it, I wouldn’t want to. I like to think before I say something. So now I sit in this silence and can’t help but marvel at how many unspoken words I’ve accumulated. How much energy I’ve saved! Well, I’ll have to do something with these words later. I think I’ll sit down and write a post.