There is no better feeling in the world than the act of creation. When time gets suspended and you keep going. When you revise something 120 times to make it the best it can be. When you search for hours for the perfect solution, when your blood is boiling with emotion, fatigue, excitement, terror, and anticipation all at once. That’s how it was with this documentary.
Since last September, I’ve been attending community college classes on editing and filmmaking. I’ve just finished two semesters and can’t wait for the next ones. There is something about editing that gives me absolute satisfaction and excitement. It’s also a bit like writing scientific articles (which I always struggled with), only different and much better. It’s all about the story. Putting stories together is my absolute favorite thing to do. Searching for creative solutions, erasing, combining, the narration. Then putting it all together. Then music, searching for emotions, how to arrange it all so that it hits you deep. And the possibilities are endless. Turning chaos into a story. It’s something absolutely wonderful, the highest degree of creativity!
Until now, I’ve only done this at the level of words. When I was doing my PhD and research, I conducted interviews, argued with theories to convey human experiences as part of a larger whole, a larger system. It was always a difficult task, but words guided everything. A documentary is a bit the same, but it’s a completely new form, new tools for telling a story – images and sound!
It’s like learning a completely new language from scratch. And it’s not just about learning the program, sound editing (which I’m still not very good at), but a new way of storytelling. An image can convey more than words. Heck, you don’t need words at all! What an amazing tool!
And so I’m starting. Once again, from scratch. A new industry, a new field, a new career, a new life. And I’m writing about it to show that when you’re almost 40, you can still start something completely new and you can even hope and dream that this could be your direction in life. I have always been inspired by people who decide to change everything and follow their passion. And it was precisely such people I was thinking about when I signed up for my first class and decided to make this documentary after only a few months of learning how to edit. I thought about a friend who had been a nurse in a psychiatric hospital for years, then decided to study graphic design, and now creates absolutely beautiful illustrations and is happy with it. Every time I look at them, I am glad she made that decision, because thanks to that, I (and others) can feast my eyes on something precious, and that makes my day. I think of another friend who was a journalist and decided to study psychology and is now a therapist. How much good she will bring to the world! I think of every person who, instead of sticking with something that tires them and gives them no satisfaction, chooses the path of the unknown but creativity. It is a very difficult path.
Venturing into the unknown. It is a significant risk. It involves loneliness and fear. Only when everything falls into place does society accept your decision. Only when you start to succeed, when you start to earn money, when things start to be stable, others accept your choice. Because when you make a decision, you are alone with your decision, your fear, and your uncertainty. So I take my hat off to all those who decide to make changes, who carry the burden of inevitable failure, hours, weeks, years of learning from scratch, sleepless nights, driven by the dream of fulfillment and living for themselves and on their own terms.
There is no more beautiful state than doing something for yourself, listening to your own body, dreams, emotions, and giving those emotions an outlet.
My first documentary has at least several hundred mistakes. Every time I watch it, I see something else to correct. I see where I missed something, where there is a typo, where it is too loud, and where the colors are weak. Where it could be shorter, where it didn’t turn out exactly as I wanted it to. But I also cut myself some slack. It’s my first documentary and I’m proud of it. Because every minute I spent on it was full of emotion. I created it from start to finish, as best I could, as I felt it and (almost) as I wanted it. With all the limitations that were around. But I delivered it on time and here it is. And I think that with all its shortcomings, it is beautiful, and that was the point. Because there is no more beautiful state than finding your voice.
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