Unspoken words

Three am, or maybe five. Who knows what time it is, anyway? I go to the bathroom and suddenly the silence hits me. Maybe for some people it’s not an obvious silence, because there’s no real silence on a plane, with the noise of the engines, the opening and closing of the hatches, the trolley rolling around, a baby crying. Yes, a baby. Or rather, the lack of one. I can feel with every fiber of my being that there is no baby with me. My body is a little on alert and anxious. Something is missing. One hundred percent of my attention is focused on touch, touch, constant stimulation. And suddenly, in this bathroom, I’m washing my hands and thinking to myself that I’m alone. I’ve said surprisingly few words today. I don’t have to talk. I don’t have to say “sit down,” “don’t touch,” “put your pants on,” “flush the toilet,” “wash your hands,” “yes, you have to wash your hands,” “we’re not leaving if you don’t wash your hands,” “wait,” “don’t open the door, I still have to pee,” “wait,” “stand here,” “don’t touch,” “come on, don’t lick that,” “we’re leaving now”… I would probably say all that in a minute to a tired, irritated 4-year-old who is doing extremely well on a 9-hour plane trip. This time, I’m flying alone. Alone in my business class. No, just kidding, I don’t need business class, because flying across the ocean without a child is a level of luxury that no money, no credit card points can buy.

Silence. I can hear my own thoughts. It’s not even that no one is talking to me, but that I don’t have to say anything to anyone. What a peace. I start to accumulate words, thoughts. Stockpiling them for later. Is there such a thing as a daily word limit? I’m sure there are people who are limitless, but I’m not one of them. After a certain number of words, I simply don’t have any more left in me. I don’t like talking for the sake of talking. I’m not good at small talk and other pleasantries. And even if I were, I wouldn’t like it, I wouldn’t want to. I like to think before I say something. So now I sit in this silence and can’t help but marvel at how many unspoken words I’ve accumulated. How much energy I’ve saved! Well, I’ll have to do something with these words later. I think I’ll sit down and write a post.